Against logic for good or otherwise?

More than 2 years down the line, I am still unsure if I’m ready to gamble, or "don't care" once again. Sometimes I want more, but sometimes I don't.

Logic tells me that I am crazy to change my mind. However, my instinct tells otherwise, despite the apparent absence of logic. 

A stroll at Taman Tasik Pandan Perdana a day after saying goodbye to Paragard

However, based on past experiences with all other stuff, instinct had always been right compared to logic, despite appearing illogical and even impractical!  Logic vs instinct - which one prevails?

If not for one obvious reason (it's for the sake of A & A, with different reasons for both of them), there is otherwise no reason to change.  Rightfully, I should have been more than contented by now.  But coming from very small family, I have experienced some limitations being an only daughter with only one brother… while childhood was smooth-sailing, adulthood is a little challenging at times with only 2 of us i.e. we’re short-handed when certain matters require care.

Against my logic and uncertainties, sweet-sister-Paragard a.k.a. IUCD of 2 years was finally out.  There’s no looking back, but to embrace whatever that comes, if there is any, or doesn’t come, if there isn't.  

In any event, I have not forgotten that I am not as fortunate as others who generally don’t require major interventions when it comes to carrying a pregnancy to term.  Hence, it further adds on to the need to carefully consider whether it's worth taking another risk.  

In the end, God knows best.  It shouldn’t matter anymore whether there is anymore adik or not.  Let’s allow nature to take place and don't ever put too much expectation on anything in order to avoid disappointment.  

Back Home... In Ipoh

On day 1 of the Hari Raya public holiday, we made a trip to Ipoh... a place called my hometown because there's where I was born.

But apart from being my place of birth and where my former family home was in, I'm otherwise pretty estranged from this city of delicacies, as I spent my entire life-in-school-and-beyond outside Ipoh, and hence had minimal experience being an "Ipoh girl".

Memories of my mom's humble garden at my former home

Anyway, I'm happy that I still have family members living in Ipoh, namely my aunts and my cousin. So, whenever I happen to be there, I'll pay them a visit them.

After the demise of my paternal grandmother in 2011, gone are the days when family members of all ages and from various locations used to come over and gather for lunch on Chinese New Year.

How time flies!  It's been 5 years since I had a home in Ipoh.  During this trip, I saw a number new developments, mostly comprising hotels, luxurious residences and some shopping malls... among them is AEON Station 18 which is ten minutes away from my former home by car.

My former home with new occupants today

Apart from all that, Ipoh appears largely the same as before, as I'm still able to get around without major hassles.

On a cloudy Wednesday evening...

Left: Ipoh Parade and Main Convent.

Right: Sam Tet School and the famous Tong Sui Kai (or dessert street, which opens at night) by the side, with new development called The Octagon (mixture of serviced apartment and retail outlets).

I felt a sense of proximity to my mother when I was Ipoh, because I spent a lot of my time with my mom in Ipoh after her retirement, and perhaps also because there's where her final resting place is.

On the positive side, fortunately Alvin did not suffer from car sickness this time, unlike last year. Both kids slept well and adapted generally fine as "Ipoh boys" throughout the stay.

If time permits and given a similar opportunity in the near future, I'd like to revisit more places in town, as well as meet up with more folks whom I've not met for very long in Ipoh, as well as in BG which is only 20 minutes away.  Let's look at the schedule and see how then.

Once in a blue moon & the over-protection myth

Seeing Red

I don't recall exactly when I last had conjunctivitis because I've not had it since secondary school.

But recently - last week, my left eye appeared red, but was neither itchy nor painful.  How innocent I was for thinking “nah, it must be just due to allergy” just because I was sneezing nocturnally for a few days.  Prior to this, Aaron and my husband were down with conjunctivitis for about a week.

To further aggravate troubles, I innocently put on contact lenses as if I was alright (I use them on weekdays for convenience and practicality and vanity reasons, but since my eyesight is not too bad, I go without glasses when I’m indoor e.g. at home and not in need of clear distance vision).  Vanity must be so intoxicating that it took away my common sense to realise the risk - so what if I've washed my hands?

By the time I started taking medical leave, both my eyes looked red and the left eye appeared worse than the right eye, as in being more painful, more swollen, and more watery.  The lymph node around the left hand side of my jaw was also swollen and painful - so it's clearly infection.

"One big one small"

Today is the 6^th day I’m having red eyes.  But unfortunately, it looks as if I’ll be forced to be away from work for the whole of this week.   

The usual case once you start school

As if “sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga”, as much as I wanted to stay at home without going out to public places with red eyes, I was nevertheless forced to go out today when Alvin is sick again.  Generally, it’s the usual sickness that affects many school-going children.  But then, it's chest infection again, oh no! 

When entering Dr Hew’s room at Columbia Asia Hospital Cheras this morning with Alvin and my husband, the first question from him was about my eyes, followed by about Alvin.  I feel very bad going out with red eyes – mainly because conjunctivitis is very infectious and painful, and secondly because of embarrassment.

Speaking of schooling and catching illnesses, while I am not concerned by the frequency of sickness, what bothers me is the “magnitude” of Alvin sickness due to his sensitive airways, highly likely due to the fact that he’s a very premature baby. 

Privy or not, it matters

But what disheartens me most are unsolicited (though well-intended) comments from parties who are not privy to Alvin’s case.  While I am grateful that Alvin has progressed generally well from the day he’s born as in not having major issues related to prematurity, he has a little extra path to walk through before he can be the same as most of his full-term-born counterparts.

For instance, he has some developmental delay in relation to language and fine motor.  Let's take a simple example, he only starts to speak now at the age of 4 and may not be able to answer a question like “Where is Ken Ken?” without giving you a blur-blur expression.   That’s generally the diagnosis of developmental paediatrician Dr Raja.

Back to unsolicited comments, I frequently received remarks like “I don’t understand why you don’t send your son to nursery earlier, so that’s why he’s still not talking at 3”…. Or “Of course he’s late, because you're stubborn”.  

The reasonable man test

Given a choice, do you prefer to let your child have an early start, or do you prefer to overprotect your child at the expense of his development?

The word “over-protection” is a taboo to me.  Given a choice, I wouldn’t mind Alvin starting school earlier than 4 years although it's not necessary to hurry.  But let’s take a look at his state of readiness first before divulging further.

The fact that a 4 year old child can have chest infection i.e. pneumonia twice within a period of 4 months which also coincides with upon entering pre-school, should be stark enough to spark a concern.  So imagine if he’s only 2 and if he were to battle all the infections within his nursery – can anyone imagine what sort of stuff he’ll go through?  If it’s a typical full-term baby, then of course the story may differ.  

Moral of the story, which I also frequently remind myself is that I’ll never make comments or speculations about how people raise their children.  In most cases, parents have solid reasons when they depart from the norm in certain matters.  Unless the full story is known, please refrain from comments on why is so and so doing this and that. 

Ahh… in any event, I am relieved that at this stage, Alvin does not have to be hospitalised yet... but don't know about later.  With an active conjunctivitis, rooming-in with Alvin in the ward will be one of the worst nightmares around, regardless of which hospital.  

Conclusion

Sometimes, I am curious to know what others at home think whenever Alvin falls terribly sick, although the logical side of me would think – why care about what others think as long as you’ve not done anything wrong?  Well, that's easier said than done.  And beneath my ice-cold appearance, I am flooded with lots of guilt and even self-anger.

What’s just a cough to other children may be more than just a cough for Alvin.  Sometimes too, I blame myself for bringing pain not only to Alvin, but also to the rest of the good family when they get distressed seeing a young child cough, cough and cough, as in last night from 1.00 am to 6.00 am, a few times in every 10 minutes, and had absolutely no appetite for the past 3 days.  

Call me silly and lousy, I regret the very premature delivery of Alvin although there was nothing that I could have done to prevent it back then because it was my first time and thus, I did not know that I’m having a defect called cervical incompetence.

On my red eyes, I wonder when will normalcy resume?  On another note, I am wondering too if I can have enough will-power to ditch my vanity for good as part of minimising risks towards my eyes in the future...

What's Mother's Day To Me: 5 Years Later

It's the month of May now, and Mothers' Day is around the corner.  Fancily-themed cakes are seen in the display refrigerators of bakeries in town.

When's the last time I celebrated Mother's Day in my own simple way?

May 1, 2011: The oh-so-happy-go-lucky moments
Like most folks who would take advantage of a long weekend i.e. weekend combined with public holiday, I returned home to Ipoh.  And since Mother's Day was going to be a week later, let's take the opportunity to celebrate it in advance.  In a low profile way, with a lunch treat for ourselves followed by walking around Kinta City.

Of course, when I compare the past with today, I wish I could have given more.  At first instance, I wish I could bring my mom to wherever she liked for lunch or dinner, shower her with holiday to her favourite destinations, and pamper her with a spa treat.

From the garden of my mom

But ultimately, I'm sure what most moms would prefer their children to spend as much time as possible with them, rather than merely provide physical materials like what was just mentioned.

May 8, 2011: Logic vs intuition
A week down the line, came another weekend.  I'm by nature not a homesick person, but for some mysterious reasons, I felt a strange urge of having yet another trip back home.  "Yes, tomorrow is Mother's Day, but have I not already celebrated in advance?", and thus, I decided to stay back instead of traveling home again after been there only a week ago.

Also, as I'd planned to travel to Ipoh the following week in view of another long weekend (it's going to be another public holiday for Wesak day), I thought I'd better go by logic as opposed to a spontaneous desire.

However, a heart-sinking moment came on Sunday night when my then already-legal-spouse (but yet to be customarily married and not living together yet) called in the evening to say hi, and told me that his family was out for Mother's Day dinner... My heart felt as if it was pinched. oh how I regretted not going home to be with my mother.

"Nah, why fret when I just saw my mom last week, and will be seeing her again in another 5 days?", was my self-consolation.

May 9, 2011: That call-in-distress
I just got seated at work after a break for lunch, when I received a call from my home in Ipoh on my phone.  I was initially a bit shocked when I saw the number on the display because I know my parents very well.  They would never call me during the work hours, unless there's something bad.

As this note is not aimed to elaborate the details of what transpired on that fateful day, let me just say that a person's life is very precious but fragile at the same time.

May 15, 2011: A farewell past midnight
It wasn't a farewell in the literal sense, because I didn't get to witness that final moment.  But May 15, is surely a date that can never be erased from the lives of at least three persons in the world.

Physically, there wasn't any tears from our eyes (because we're probably genetically-stone-cold in appearance), but spiritually, our hearts were probably flooded by an ocean of tears.   I had no qualms about the fact that when there's life, there's also death... but back then, I was shocked because my mom looked perfectly fine until the day when that dreadful call came into picture.

This is neither a note to rant about the past nor to show how that I'm a good daughter... oh no, I am far from what it takes to be a great child.  Instead, this is a note of walking down memory lane into some of the final, but memorable moments with my mother.

Moving forward 
Although I do not have the rezeki to spend more time with my mother, I am nevertheless thankful to God for lending me a mother who had done her best to raise me up... for a duration of one week short of 28 years.

For those who are fortunate to be blessed with the opportunity of being together with their mothers for a huge part of their lives, you've got to count your blessings and please do not take your moms for granted.

OK lah, maybe I am a little kepoh i.e. "busybody"... but wherever I go, when I come across adults raising their voices at their moms for trivia and harmless things, I'd feel disturbed.  It's like "Hello, what justify you raising your voice at the woman who went through so much pain giving birth to you and sacrificed so much of her life because she loves you more than herself?" With small children, they may be forgiven to some extent because they aren't matured enough to appreciate what's good and what's not, although they should be taught from young not to speak rudely to their parents.  But with adults, that will be a bit difficult to reconcile.

Oh My Goodness Gracious

As ordinary human beings, there will certainly be new lessons to be learnt everyday.  Sometimes, it's to improve ourselves, sometimes it's because we have committed mistakes in the past.  But whatever it is, perfection is not something realistic in real life, no matter how perfect we want to be.

Hi-hi, smile-smile, then oh no!

Something just occurred to me this afternoon as I entered my workplace after taking a short meal break outside.  To many, this may be very minor, but to some, it may not be.  

I can only imagine one thing though: If I can get so significantly affected to the extend of having to pen down my feelings somewhere in order to break away from the resulting guilt, the other person may probably have negative impression about me too.  

What a great way to bring myself closer to self-destruction, for the person concerned is none other than someone whom I respect both professionally and personally for her wisdom and leadership qualities, yet still appearing motherly . 

Blame no one but myself... and a little about the past 

If I were to play the blame game, I will surely put it upon "I'm sleep-walking and thus the blur-blur reaction".  While it's true that I did not manage to catch sufficient sleep last night due to multiple reasons, including that all of us - Alvin, Aaron and I, are infected by some unknown bug that gave us a fever for the past few days, while the husband recovered a few days ago (geez.... again, not long after mycoplasma!), still, that's not a logical reason for not acting like my usual self when it comes to someone of respect and seniority.

Ok lah, let's look from the brighter side... at least I still went to work although not on tip-top condition, contrary to what someone from my past must be thinking that I (or many others) would do. Speaking of the one who used to marah-marah but later became a motivating factor behind the realisation that I've got to improve in relation to certain aspects.

Ouch to that mistake!

Back to the story today, I came across the person when I was about to open the door to enter my work place. We nodded, smiled and exchanged "Hi" to each other.  That was alright.

The only thing I did wrong, in my own view, was that, upon entering the intended space, I forgot (yes, literally forgotten!) to keep the door opened for a little longer until after she had walked out.  While the door didn't close, she ended up having to hold the door a little after that.

Gosh, I don't know why, but this is so not-me, for under the same circumstances, I used to tahan the door from closing for everyone regardless of position and age... and how could I fail to do what I normally do and this happened to be someone very senior?

Of course I do not know whether the person concerned will feel offended with my unusual act this afternoon, but deep inside, I pray that she will forgive me, or not think of anything bad because it's unintentional.  I'm kind of ambivalent about what to do - but I am unsure if apologising to the person concerned is even a good idea, because for all I know, I may be just over-sensitive and people don't even realise or bother about its significance!

Conclusion

From now onward, I must keep tab of myself at all times.  Be alert and never go around as if I'm sleepwalking.   For you'll never know when nightmare turns real by just a few seconds of slack, oh that may not be forgivable anymore.  Take a conscious effort to learn from past mistakes.

Lastly, just in case if I were to come across something similar but in a vice-versa capacity in the future, I must always remind myself that I've done this myself... just bersangka baik and not think of the other party as being impolite or anything equivalent to that... because:

I love this phrase.....

Credit: Not known, but it's circulated over the social media networks