My original plan is to keep "it" a secret until such a time when it's "safe" to let others know. Although "it" actually came without my expectation, I nevertheless cherish this "gift" and intend to care for "it" just like what I did for Alvin. Yes, if I were to deliver on the EDD itself, it should be 26th April 2014. I'm sharing it now because I don't think it will be the case anyway.
Guess what... The joy is perhaps just going to be short-lived. I am back to having the same old problem that used to haunt me during my first. And this time around, although I am not as frightened as last time, I am more negative about the outcome, namely because on top of spotting which shouldn't occur at this time, I have also experienced a few series of minor cramps.
Now that I still have not formed attachments with the one inside, now that a new human is still not completely formed, I am more prepared to face possible termination of pregnancy than when I have already felt fetal movements for instance.
In most cases of miscarriage, the fetus goes "down" due to serious congenital problems that makes it not compatible for life outside the womb. But in my case previously, it was all my own problem.
Why am I so glaringly negative this time compared to previously?
Well, just because it was my plan to have just one child, it doesn't mean that I am now praying for the worse. Instead, I treat the situation this way - once conceived, no matter how or when, whether expected or unexpectedly, I will do my best to keep the "baby" for as long as possible until ready for birth... it's something which I almost failed to do with my first, but thanks to the great job of doctors and nurses, as well as God's miracle, Alvin made it to what he is today.
This time around, apart from family living nearby, I did not tell anyone else because I knew that I'll possibly not make it for the second time. It looks like even if I were to go through pregnancy for 10 times, I will face the same problem for all 10 times.
I don't think my problem is congenital or genetic just because I am a former premature baby who happens to give birth prematurely once. Or else, my mom would have experienced what I am facing now... or else my brother would have been born prematurely too but then he's not.
Just because Alvin appears not bothered by issues related to prematurity (what it seems so far, but I am not really sure yet), it doesn't necessarily mean likewise should I deliver prematurely again this time. In this case, I can't see how I can carry a pregnancy for 9 months in view of what's bothering me now. I don't want to end up becoming a seasonal figure in the NICU, I don't want my child to suffer from prematurity-related problems, and I also don't want to go through heartache!
"Dear sibling of Alvin... Although you came unexpectedly, my heart was filled with gratitude when I first learnt of your presence. Indeed, I can only plan as a human... but God ultimately decides it for us. It must be exciting for both you and your elder brother to be able to play together. But please forgive me should my body chooses to fail us, for if my body chooses not to sustain the pregnancy this time although my mind kept telling that I want to carry you to full-term until you're out to the world with a loud cry!".
No comments:
Post a Comment