9 Months Ago & Today

Came across these once-popular post-and-tag questionnaires recently, and since they seem relevant to what I've experienced about 9 months ago, I've decided to fill in my answers.  A pregnancy-related questionnaire akin to a nutshell of pregnancy + labour, as follows: 

1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED?

Yes and no. 

Yes because I thought the idea of having a kid seems nice. 

No because I did not plan the time to be pregnant.    

2. WHAT WAS YOUR SECOND CHOICE NAME FOR YOUR OPPOSITE GENDER NAME?

Adeline. 

Why “A”?   

Recalling my days in school, my name was either the last or second last in class because my surname starts with “Y” and thus used to be seated at the final row in the examination hall.  Likewise when it came to the queue for using the computer when I was in lower primary school – those olden days when access to a computer was considered a privilege.

As a result, right from primary one itself, I’ve thus resolved to have my children’s name start with “A” in order for them not to follow my path.   

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS?

Excited but dead-scared at the same time, because I was bleeding at the time when the pregnancy test showed a positive result.   

Immediately I was worried about the possibilities of either an ectopic pregnancy, or a soon-to-come miscarriage.    What a negative person, you may think...

In my heart, I was already filled with the morbid thought of “oh no, there goes another life after the demise of one (i.e. my kid's other grandmother) just 6 months ago”.

4. HOW OLD WERE YOU?
29. 

5. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT?
Using the Clearblue home pregnancy test.

6. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST?
My father.  I happened to be at my father’s place of dwelling when I took the test.  

7. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX?
No.  Contrary to most mothers who’re excited about it, I was actually afraid to find out due to one and only one reason which had haunted me ever since I was 16.  It was when I learnt about X-linked inheritance from my favourite subject in school. Whether my fear is based on valid grounds (long story, so no need to elaborate here) or otherwise, only God knows.  Call it paranoia. 

8. DUE DATE?

August 12^th. 

9. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS?

Mild symptoms, and took place mostly at night.  Hardly puked, but constantly sleepy, and dizzy sometimes.

10. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE?

A yummy bowl of authentic Penang Asam Laksa.  Dishearteningly, this crave frequently went unfulfilled because no one bothered to find out where to get good laksa for me locally. 

11. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST?

The lack of empathy from the public at large locally.  Sadly, most Malaysians are very ‘kiasu’ when it comes to securing seats in public transports.  I used to offer my seat whenever I see a pregnant person, but I hardly got to sit when I was one myself.   Only the minority have enough kindness.   

Just to add… here’s something about the unfriendly situation in taking public transportation in our country.  This is my encounter after I’ve delivered:

Once, I was in the Kelana Jaya Line LRT (formerly called PUTRA).  The train was crowded.  There’s a heavily pregnant lady probably very close to her EDD, standing and holding on to the rubber handle.   Except for one man of foreign origin, all the others who’re locals and sitting on the row of seats in front of this lady appeared indifferent.  

The indifferent locals were ‘ladies’ as well as ‘gentlemen’ smartly dressed up.  But they had chosen to ignore the pregnant lady who had to struggle a bit to remain stood up whenever the train ran on a bent path.   In the end, only the foreign man was kind enough to offer her a seat.  Can you imagine what will this man tell his countrymen about Malaysia once he’s back home?

12. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX?
A boy.

13. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX ?
I do not mind.  But like I said earlier, I was afraid to have a boy due to my risky status, genetically-speaking. 

14. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY?
6 kg.  The seemingly "low" weight gain should be tallied with the fact of a shorter-than-normal gestational period.

15. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER?
No. 

17. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY?

Apart from threatened miscarriage, if you were to count that as "complication", no. 

18. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Hospital Ampang.  

19. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR?
No idea, as my contraction was asymptomatic i.e. painless (but I knew there was contraction because the CTG showed it).   

20. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?

Long story.....

21. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Doctors and nurses.

22. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION?
SVD... a.k.a. natural.

23. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN?

No.

24. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH?

1.16kg (cat-sized!).

25. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN? 
Close to mine, just a few days after my 29th (we can share a birthday cake at home, yay!).

26. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER?

Alvin.

27. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY?
Conventional age: 9 months, corrected: 6 months.

28. WOULD YOU DO IT AGAIN?
I would like to, but I seriously shouldn’t if I choose not to be reckless.  Taking into consideration: 

i. The high risk of another premature case.  

It's important to note that all premature babies, including late preterm ones (like me in the past), face higher risks compared to their full-term counterparts.   

ii. After one miraculous escape from major complications related to prematurity, I may not be fortunate enough to escape again should I recklessly want a second child unless I find out what caused the premature delivery of dear A.  

So Shockingly Sudden

Why of course... Instinct is neither logical nor scientific, but it's real.  There's only one word to describe what just occurred recently - SUDDEN.

Something's not right, but what?
I went to work as usual last Thursday, did my usual chores back home and went for a shower.  I didn't feel right, but I didn't know what's it.  I was not in pain, but I felt strange.  I saw some discharge (just a little and without blood), so I dismissed any morbid thought that came with it since there wasn't blood. 

I was initially supposed to see my ob/gyn on Saturday, but I thought I'd better go a day earlier.  An EL (emergency leave) sounds like a taboo on Friday and I was afraid if my boss gets the wrong idea that I was taking advantage of pregnancy to laze off until Monday, but I had a strange urge to rest.

I had my check-up and everything looked fine.  Fetal position was cephalic (head-down), but not engaged yet.  I was even overjoyed to have a clearer look at the fetus' face on the 4D scan for the first time ever. 

Still didn't feel right
On Saturday, I saw a lot of mucus coming out.  I wondered if it's the mucus plug - was it broken?  Or was it infection?  There's neither pain nor discomfort, also no itching, and I only saw a tinge of pinkness for a few moments before it disappeared.

The Bloody Show
After coming out of the washroom on Saturday night at about 8.30 pm, I suddenly felt a heavy flow of blood gushing out.  I knew something terrible was going on, I must not wait anymore and I went to hospital straight.

While waiting for Dr Norshida to arrive, the staff midwife examined me.  She did a CTG and told me I was having contraction.  The staff midwife asked if I felt anything, I said no.  Contraction?  But I didn't feel any discomfort, cramping, or sensation of contraction.

When Dr Norshida arrived, she confirmed that I was in labour.  As the fetus is only 29 weeks, I have to be admitted to a hospital with ventilator available at its NICU.

My worst nightmare has come true - a premature baby!  I was a former premature baby too (late preterm because I was 36 weeks already).  As I was "more matured" at birth, I did not require a ventilator.   My brother is a naturally full-term baby though.  So it's coincidence rather than anything genetic...

Under Observation
Only if I knew.....  I should have gone to ................... Basically, major Government hospitals are well-equipped in handling cases such as this.  And since I have the pink antenatal card (commonly called "buku merah") from Klinik Kesihatan, it would even be easier.

Alas, although I knew it's a "no-play-play" situation, I wasn't sure it was labour because I did not experience the typical symptoms of labour other than blood coming out, which was actually a show... and I did not feel any contraction at all.  Initially, I even imagined soon losing the kid inside for I thought my placenta was tearing away or something more serious, which gave rise to this bleeding episode. 

I was administered with Dexamethasone (steroid injection given to speed up fetal lungs maturation) and given nifedipine for tocolytic purpose.  I was referred to Gleneagles (don't ask me how did Gleneagles come into picture because it was a long story...), being one with proper NICU and such, as the Government hospitals like HKL, Ampang, Serdang, Putrajaya, etc that Dr Norshida had contacted told her that they had no ventilator. 

At Gleneagles, Dr Teresa Chow came and saw me on Sunday morning.  After checking on me, decision was made for admission to Government hospital.  Long-term NICU care will cost a mountain in a private hospital (this is not a late preterm baby who probably needs just a week in NICU, but a 29-weeker a.k.a. very preterm baby who will require a few months of care in hospital).  In this case, it turns out that the pink antenatal card from KKIA is useful for admission to Government hospital for delivery.  Dr Teresa then wrote a referral letter for me to get admitted to Hospital Ampang.

At Hospital Ampang
I was immediately sent to the admission ward - "Wad Bersalin Hospital Ampang".  I was checked on by a few doctors and the nurse told me to change to the pink hospital attire for maternity patients.  I gave the nurse my IC and pink card for registration.  Another dose of Dexamethasone was administered at 11.30 am.

View from my bed at the admission ward of Wad Bersalin Hospital Ampang

I was admitted to the labour ward at about 12.30 pm.  It's past lunch time, so my husband had to get me lunch from outside.  Thinking I might need a lot of energy for delivery later (which was actually not the case, because it was all too easy and speedy- the details are below...), I tried my best to finish my full lunch takeaway.   

I was bored in the ward, without anything interesting to read or look at.  I didn't walk around because I was fighting hard to buy time.  The only consolation was the opportunity to chat to a few other patients near my bed.  

Tea time. 

Dinner before delivery.  Rice with cabbage and spicy fish.    

A pain like no other, but briefly

I had no contraction pain from morning until the evening.  But starting at 8.20 pm, I began to feel some discomfort on my pelvic bone. From just once, the pelvic pain came once in every 30 minutes (8.50 pm), then once on 10 minutes (at 9.00 pm), once in 5 minutes (at 9.05 pm, and then every minute).

I pressed the call button each time the pain came.  Nurses came and checked if the pain was due to contraction.   After 5 minutes, the nurse told me that I didn't have contraction. The nurse then thought I was having UTI and had given me a specimen cup to obtain a sample for testing.  I told the nurse that I had no infection, and that I was also not in the urge to urinate at all. "Rasa meneran yang tersangat-sangat, tu je...", I told the nurse.  I couldn't lie down straight, but had to do it sideways.

9.10 pm

The nurses did not believe me.  At first, one of them told me "Dah check 5 minit, tak ada contraction. Kalau betul awak dah nak bersalin, mesti awak dah sakit sampai awak dah tak boleh bercakap.  Jangan risau, kesakitan ni pengalaman yang paling bermakna untuk setiap ibu, especially anak first".  Very consoling words indeed, still my instinct felt otherwise. 

Probably annoyed with my persistent complaint (I had to... because I really felt the urge to push), the nurse called the doctor.  The doctor came, did a VE and told the nurses to rush me to the Labour Room (LR) immediately because dilation was full.  I also heard her said "nampak kepala".  So fast!

I was pushed to the LR on the bed itself.  I was told "tahan dulu ye, try jangan push sehingga kita sampai labour room".  Looking back, I would have delivered in the ward itself had I ignored my intuition.  

I was in the LR with a few doctors and nurses ready.  The nurses guided me to lie down and hold myself. The doctor told me to push. 

Ideally, one should lie down still and not raise one's pelvis when pushing in order to minimise tearing to the perineum.  But in moments of pain, it's difficult to stick by what's ideal because the body's natural reaction is to defy it. 

Out to the world

And voila, all in all, it took just a few minutes and the baby's out in one push!  My baby is so tiny, just about the size of the adult cat at the backyard of my house.  Guess what's his weight?

My husband's at home when the nurse called him to come to the LR.  The kid came out so fast, which didn't even give his dad any opportunity to witness his birth.  So by the time my husband arrived, the baby's  already out although my husband took only a short time to reach on that quiet Sunday night.    

A little story on child delivery

How it feels to deliver a child?  I did not feel contraction although I was having it, but I only felt a brief, intense pelvic pain right before delivery.  It all lasted for just 30 minutes. I guess active labor came quickly right after the effects of nifedipine wore off.  Since my child is very tiny, I didn't have much trouble "expelling" him out.  

After delivering the child, the placenta was soon delivered.  The doctor and nurse then checked the placenta to make sure it's intact.  The nurse clenched her fingers into a fist and inserted it "inside" to contract the uterus.  A doctor massaged my abdomen a few times. It was a very, very bloody sight.  

I wish my husband was there to witness everything so that he knows how scary it is... hahaha, what an evil wife I am because I like to see people in fear.  Will he puke, get pale, faint, or appear indifferent at the sight of such bloodiness?

Due to my inability to do the ideal, suture was necessary.  The nurse would swab, stitch, swab, and stitch, ..... and the process went on until completion.  The swabbing part alone was painful enough, let alone stitching.  

I didn't cry because of pain, but some "uhh" and "ahh" were irresistable.   I was given a cup of Milo after everything's done.  

Post-delivery

After a proper cleaning up, I was taken to the post-delivery ward.  My husband went to the labour ward to collect my stuff.  Accordingly, my neighbours in the labour ward asked my husband if I've delivered, he told them "yes" and they said "wah, cepatnya...".  

It felt a lot more relaxing to be in the post-delivery ward.  Most mothers had their newborn babies beside them.  In Government hospitals, with the exception of those whose babies are admitted to the NICU, mothers are required to care for their own babies.  Only a few others were like me, all by ourselves.

I didn't really sleep that night because of the sheer attack of emotion at what just occurred - I was still shocked and almost in disbelief.  It was like a dream!

A random picture of my lunch at the post-delivery ward.  I forgot to take a picture of my breakfast because I was too hungry in the morning. 

First visit to the NICU

Since I've not bathed the whole day on Sunday, I went for a shower in the morning after breakfast. And followed by a brief walk from the ward to the NICU.

I wasn't surprised at what I saw.  After all, I also came out the same way as my child - premature and kept in an incubator.  His skin looked red but not wrinkled, unlike me as I was wrinkled when I was born (according to my father).  So tiny, so tiny!!!

I wasn't intimidated by the sight of intubation, the various lines and tubes because these are things that I used to see just a year ago - speaking of my nightmare at Hospital Ipoh last year which I've not really shared with anyone, well.....   Nonetheless, I was not without fear because I didn't know what to expect.  

The nurse told me "ok je ni... kalau nak tahu lebih lanjut, bolehlah tanya doktor".   I didn't bother asking the doctor, because if there's anything important enough that I need to know, I believe they'll inform me.  

How can I help? 

I went to the NICU again the next day.  I saw the doctor's note nearby... I didn't intentionally see it, but it's just there and I took a peep.  The final sentence said "Get EBM".  At least I felt a bit better that my child can be fed.

A nurse came and asked me for EBM.  On Day 3, the nurse told me to try expressing some milk.  She even took me to the "Bilik Penyusuan" and showed me how to do it manually by hand.  By hand because I was a bit too swollen over there and using a machine may hurt.  I took so long, 2 hours for less than 30 ml.  It was colostrum, I labelled my bottle and kept it in the fridge provided.

I wish I can do more for my child at the moment, but it isn't possible yet.  So the best that I can give is my own milk.  I wish I can have more milk in times to come so that I can play a greater part in helping my child's growth.  

Sometimes I feel bad that my body is unable to carry my child until he's fully term.  It looks a little mysterious and I do not have medical problems, except some PV bleeding during my first trimester and early second trimester (threatened abortion).

When I look back, I realise that's a telltale sign that my body is not quite fit to sustain a pregnancy for as long as most mothers out there.  On a drastic side, I'm seriously considering not to have anymore baby after this shocking event.

I contemplate a long journey in the NICU because my child is prematurely born.  God please give us the strength to overcome this present challenge...

Conclusion

Well, what else can I do but to pray for the best?   

The way he comes to the world somewhat reminds me of my child's grandmother a.k.a my own mother... the way she left the world.  Both went to hospital by ambulance (my child is in utero of course), my mom's intubated before she left, my child's intubated (for the first 19 hours of life) when I first saw him.  She left in May 2011, he comes in May 2012.  What a freaky coincidence, so I'm scared.   

The things I share in common with my child - we're born in the same month (our birthdays are just 5 days apart), we're born on Sunday, and we're Geminians!  I have nothing more to ask for, but to see him grow up like any other children out there, and do better than me in life.

Guess my note is going haywire as if I'm turning crappy, so I shall step down from my soapbox for now... and it's time to head back to EBM, no matter how little (not surprising, as there isn't any stimulation in the form of a baby's sucking).

Contrary to the myth that Government hospital is a scary place to be in, I'm glad for the generally pleasant experience that I had at Hospital Ampang for my child delivery, although there were some hiccups just before going to the LR.   

P/S: I delivered my second child at HUKM (or PPUKM) in March 2014.  This time, the pregnancy lasted more than 36 weeks, thanks to an emergency cerclage at 29 weeks, At last, I found out why I delivered preterm during the first time.  In short, an elective cerclage is mandatory for all my future pregnancies, if any.  The full stories are as follows:

Part 1: Eventful 3rd Trimester at HUKM

Part 2: -unfinished-

Part 3: Hello Brother of Alvin

Expect the Unknown

God... I have nothing more to ask for, but the well-being of the one whom I love and care from the bottom of my heart.  Please help us escape what we fear.

Will the sun ever rise once more, after so long a period of hibernation?   

For Every First Time

Being away for a long time, I wish I was having pleasant moments.

A breakfast served in front of my bed just as the sun began to rise... Isn't it awesome?

Toasted wholemeal bread with roasted tomato, scrambled egg and salad

The reality was far from being sweet. After all, being hospitalised means something's not right.

Unexpectedly So

It was my first time staying in hospital. It was the first time I was on IV drip. I was dehydrated, in pain, unwell, and down with infection. It's not related to pregnancy, but any neglect may have undesirable effects on it.

This moment was captured when I was still alert, right before the return of my dreadful fever that made me shiver and unable to sit or lie down still on the bed in the ward.

After about 24 hours, I gained some energy and appetite. Here are some of the food that I was served with:

Breakfast.

This is one of the lunches I had... grilled fish skewer with yogurt, boiled vegetables and whipped potato

Papaya and salad together with lunch

As these are food served in the hospital, they are prepared according to the healthy-version manner... low in salt, sugar and oil. The food are mostly grilled or boiled, and the "kuih" served during tea time is the low-sugar version, which I actually prefer because I'm a non-sweet-tooth person.

In front of my bed is a TV to keep myself occupied whenever I was awake. But then I was mostly asleep because I was tired, and lying down excessively had resulted in a little shoulder ache.

What Transpired That Day...
What a time to suffer from infection! The night before, I suddenly felt a strange chill all over. Suspecting a fever, I took my own temperature and voila, it's comfirmed. My stomach felt very unwell too.

I sought my brother for help to take me to the hospital in the middle of the night as I was by myself at my place that day. I went to Columbia Asia Hospital Cheras (in Balakong, near AEON Cheras Selatan) the nearest from home and also where I go for my antenatal check-up, apart from KKIA. I knew I had to be quick and yet be considerate towards my sleep-deprived brother, and thus Government hospital did not come into picture that night.

I only received outpatient treatment that night. Back home, I didn't think that my condition improved. I had a hard time falling asleep. The fever persisted despite taking Paracetamol twice.

The Next Day
Still not feeling right and based on instinct, I went back to Columbia Asia. This time around, I was referred to a physician, Dr Amir Ramli.

Blood and urine tests were done. I was diagnosed with AGE (acute gastroenteritis), and was dehydrated. That explains the extreme exhaustion I was experiencing. I was by myself, and was advised to be admitted.

And there I was, in the ward by noon, administered with IV drip after lunch, and having a fever. At that moment, all that came into my mind was the kid inside. I was afraid of any harm to it. After going through so many difficulties, why am I seem to be suffering misfortune after misfortune? Whatever it is, please spare my child...

Not Surprising
On the third day in hospital, I was taken to see my gynae for ultrasound scan. I was relieved that the kid appeared fine.

But what was that thing that I saw? My gynae, Dr Norshida asked if I'd like to know the sex of my baby. My reaction, just as expected was that I didn't want to know it.

But I saw it despite the blurry eyes, and I thought "uh oh, this is not surprising, but I'm sure my husband will be".

My Overall Comment on Columbia Asia
On the whole, I was happy with the service and facilities at Columbia Asia Hospital. I was in a double-bedded ward with attached shower and washroom. There's an LCD TV for each person with a few selected ASTRO channels. The staff were attentive, polite and prompt in their service.

Each patient who "checks-in" is given a set of toiletteries comprising toothbrush, toothpaste, 1 small-sized towel, 1 medium-sized towel, a comb, soap, shampoo, and a plastic cup.

The deposit (refundable) for each admission is RM300. If you are under any medical coverage, the customer care staff are very helpful in assisting you to secure your guarantee letter (GL). All you need to do is to show your medical card and they'll handle it properly for you... saves you from the headache of having to call here and there in times of distress during sickness.

Should the kid and I make it to the delivery stage, I'll definitely consider going back to Columbia Asia.

But being a patient in a hospital is definitely not a pleasant thing. Although properly attended to, being sick is never a good thing at all.

The Confirmation
What was a speculation for the rest of the night was finally confirmed the day after. When my husband came to pick me home, he asked if we could see our gynae because he's highly curious to know the baby's sex.

I prefer a degree of mystery, but my husband who's the opposite of me prefers things clear and straightforward. Despite the high number of patients awaiting their turns, Dr Norshida was kind enough to spare a few minutes with us. And so, my guess was confirmed. Anyway, it shouldn't even matter what my guess was, so let me just reserve it first.

I always tell myself
To have a child is to take a risk. At the end of the day, it's not up to me to design the fate of whoever that becomes my child. Even having the most perfect of genes doesn't guarantee that an offspring will be perfect, because the world is more than science alone. So, let's not worry unnecessarily, let's not allow my fear to ruin the moments of pregnancy.

Call me fatalistic, but as much as we'd like to deny it, fate does play a role in so many aspects of life. After all, we humans can only plan... but whether a plan materialises or otherwise, is beyond our control.

Conclusion
I have said in the past, I'm prepared for both weathers, rain as well as shine. The months to come will surely keep me waiting anxiously as if waiting for another major examination result in which I expect certain result, or else we'll be doomed.

Walking on the open field, but for how long?

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Others may look upon this path as a sweet journey under the autumn sunbeam, but is it really so? Until the ultimate outcome turns out fine, this remains a voyage of mystery.

Image credits: http://iphonewallpaperonline.com/

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The Dream

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I had a strange dream over a night’s sleep last Saturday. It was so life-like; I could almost feel the breathe from above a pair of familiar arms. The gentle caressing of a mother is hard to forget, not to mention the unconditional love that lies within.

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In the private night before my eyelids, I felt a tender touch over my belly. It was a touch by one who’s formerly in the profession of caring for antenatal mothers, a touch so pampering to an emo soul (don’t know why, but I have been gradually and unconsciously transformed from ice-cold to a little more emotional over the past few months. Tell me it’s due to hormonal change.

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Expressively so

Psychologically-speaking, I’m not surprised by what I “heard” in the dream. It's probably what I want to hear. It must have stemmed from my fear of having boys due to a medical ground (X-linked) which makes it 50% risky for the child if it’s a boy. 50% is high enough to spark a concern.

Whether girl or boy, I actually do not bother as long as the kid is good.

It’s so obvious that my mind is trying to sooth itself from fear in the expression of a dream.

Castle in the air

I do not have a reputation of being a lady-of-good-fortune, and thus I should not imagine blessings coming along my way. Further, since I have yet to come close to actual motherhood, my fingers remain crossed.

Whence art’ thou now?

Since I used to talk about instinct almost all the time, so what’s my stand on this now? What does instinct tell me?

Dishearteningly, I have none this time. Being negative is not all bad because it prepares one for the worst. And thus, I don’t believe anything coming into my favor for nothing, after all the dreadfully-shocking ones that I’ve seen come and go not too long ago.

The only instinct I have is that, I shall not gamble away the future of whoever that becomes my kid(s) any further in the future. That's where the consideration of not having more kids come into picture.

Whether it’s rain or shine, I have to be prepared for both no matter how much I wish not to come face-to-face with the rain.

Will the sun that had set down since time immemorial, ever rise and shine upon us once more?