9 Months Ago & Today

Came across these once-popular post-and-tag questionnaires recently, and since they seem relevant to what I've experienced about 9 months ago, I've decided to fill in my answers.  A pregnancy-related questionnaire akin to a nutshell of pregnancy + labour, as follows: 

1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED?

Yes and no. 

Yes because I thought the idea of having a kid seems nice. 

No because I did not plan the time to be pregnant.    

2. WHAT WAS YOUR SECOND CHOICE NAME FOR YOUR OPPOSITE GENDER NAME?

Adeline. 

Why “A”?   

Recalling my days in school, my name was either the last or second last in class because my surname starts with “Y” and thus used to be seated at the final row in the examination hall.  Likewise when it came to the queue for using the computer when I was in lower primary school – those olden days when access to a computer was considered a privilege.

As a result, right from primary one itself, I’ve thus resolved to have my children’s name start with “A” in order for them not to follow my path.   

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS?

Excited but dead-scared at the same time, because I was bleeding at the time when the pregnancy test showed a positive result.   

Immediately I was worried about the possibilities of either an ectopic pregnancy, or a soon-to-come miscarriage.    What a negative person, you may think...

In my heart, I was already filled with the morbid thought of “oh no, there goes another life after the demise of one (i.e. my kid's other grandmother) just 6 months ago”.

4. HOW OLD WERE YOU?
29. 

5. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT?
Using the Clearblue home pregnancy test.

6. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST?
My father.  I happened to be at my father’s place of dwelling when I took the test.  

7. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX?
No.  Contrary to most mothers who’re excited about it, I was actually afraid to find out due to one and only one reason which had haunted me ever since I was 16.  It was when I learnt about X-linked inheritance from my favourite subject in school. Whether my fear is based on valid grounds (long story, so no need to elaborate here) or otherwise, only God knows.  Call it paranoia. 

8. DUE DATE?

August 12^th. 

9. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS?

Mild symptoms, and took place mostly at night.  Hardly puked, but constantly sleepy, and dizzy sometimes.

10. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE?

A yummy bowl of authentic Penang Asam Laksa.  Dishearteningly, this crave frequently went unfulfilled because no one bothered to find out where to get good laksa for me locally. 

11. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST?

The lack of empathy from the public at large locally.  Sadly, most Malaysians are very ‘kiasu’ when it comes to securing seats in public transports.  I used to offer my seat whenever I see a pregnant person, but I hardly got to sit when I was one myself.   Only the minority have enough kindness.   

Just to add… here’s something about the unfriendly situation in taking public transportation in our country.  This is my encounter after I’ve delivered:

Once, I was in the Kelana Jaya Line LRT (formerly called PUTRA).  The train was crowded.  There’s a heavily pregnant lady probably very close to her EDD, standing and holding on to the rubber handle.   Except for one man of foreign origin, all the others who’re locals and sitting on the row of seats in front of this lady appeared indifferent.  

The indifferent locals were ‘ladies’ as well as ‘gentlemen’ smartly dressed up.  But they had chosen to ignore the pregnant lady who had to struggle a bit to remain stood up whenever the train ran on a bent path.   In the end, only the foreign man was kind enough to offer her a seat.  Can you imagine what will this man tell his countrymen about Malaysia once he’s back home?

12. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX?
A boy.

13. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX ?
I do not mind.  But like I said earlier, I was afraid to have a boy due to my risky status, genetically-speaking. 

14. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY?
6 kg.  The seemingly "low" weight gain should be tallied with the fact of a shorter-than-normal gestational period.

15. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER?
No. 

17. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY?

Apart from threatened miscarriage, if you were to count that as "complication", no. 

18. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Hospital Ampang.  

19. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR?
No idea, as my contraction was asymptomatic i.e. painless (but I knew there was contraction because the CTG showed it).   

20. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?

Long story.....

21. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Doctors and nurses.

22. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION?
SVD... a.k.a. natural.

23. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN?

No.

24. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH?

1.16kg (cat-sized!).

25. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN? 
Close to mine, just a few days after my 29th (we can share a birthday cake at home, yay!).

26. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER?

Alvin.

27. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY?
Conventional age: 9 months, corrected: 6 months.

28. WOULD YOU DO IT AGAIN?
I would like to, but I seriously shouldn’t if I choose not to be reckless.  Taking into consideration: 

i. The high risk of another premature case.  

It's important to note that all premature babies, including late preterm ones (like me in the past), face higher risks compared to their full-term counterparts.   

ii. After one miraculous escape from major complications related to prematurity, I may not be fortunate enough to escape again should I recklessly want a second child unless I find out what caused the premature delivery of dear A.  

Can't stop wondering: 1 or 2?

One child, or more?

This is a question which has been lingering for a long time, yet I do not know what the answer should be.  

 

Illogical but true

A favourite phrase that I have created on my own says “instinct is illogical, but true”.  Yes, it happens all the time.  

How so?  Here’s a simple example:

Today, I saw the KLIA Transit train speeding off right before my eyes.  My immediate instinct was to run over to the KTM Komuter platform for a cheaper alternative since I was going to be late anyway, no thanks to the ever-irritating attitude of drivers who road hog and thus causing massive traffic congestion.  

But upon a second thought, I gave up the idea because I was reminded of my past negative experience with Komuter.  And thus, I sat and waited for the next KLIA Transit for about 10 minutes before I saw that KTM Komuter was coming.  I should have followed my instinct, but I failed to.

As told to me by someone who’s the only child of the family

Weighing the pros and cons of the case of an only child in the family, I had earlier concluded that it’s a matter of making the best of what we have.

But not too long ago, I had a conversation with a friend who is the only child of his parents.  His feedback to my question was “no, no, no… bad idea.  Like me, now that I’m the only young person at home, I am tired of taking care of everyone and everything all by myself.  One person caring for 2, and sometimes more….”

One or two, and why?

Going by my favourite phrase, my first instinct tells me that I should just settle with one child.  

But going by logic, having one child sounds a little scary to me.  

I am very afraid to rely on just one person, I am afraid of what if life does not happen according to expectation, which is not surprising, and I do not know what the future beholds for my child, my husband, and I.

Why one?  

1)      I do not think I have the means to have more than one child.

2)     As I am well-aware of my background, each pregnancy is a 50% risk for my offspring or some further descendants.

3)     I am at high risk for premature delivery.  

4)     I may not be at a desirable age to bear a child by the time it’s suitable for Alvin to have a younger sibling. 

AND

5)     I just have a strange feeling that I may do wrong and cause harm if I have many children.

But why the doubt?

Honestly, if anything happens to a single child, there won’t be any child left at home.  Life is unpredictable.  Also, how can I be so sure that I can depend on my child?  I wish the justification for child no. 2 can be so simple, but then it's not.

Things will be well and good if everything goes fine with the second child, otherwise instead of 2 taking care of 2, we may end up with 1 taking care of 3.   

In light of the risks that I carry for whoever that becomes my child, there’s a higher possibility of problems occurring.  Prematurity alone is risky enough to cause damages, let alone other factors.  Perhaps I shouldn't think any further.

"Syukur..."

In any event, I am thankful for whatever I have with me today.  At the end of the day, whether one child or more, I shall not be over-concerned with the future.  Each person has his or her own "福" (in Chinese), or "rezeki".  

I shall not decide how many children to have, but rather leave it to my natural instinct.  

Right now, I only have one wish and if God decides to grant me (or rather my child...) that, I shall have nothing more to ask for.  But if things work otherwise, then who are we humans to complain, since I was already well-aware of the facts long ago?

Walking on the open field, but for how long?

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Others may look upon this path as a sweet journey under the autumn sunbeam, but is it really so? Until the ultimate outcome turns out fine, this remains a voyage of mystery.

Image credits: http://iphonewallpaperonline.com/

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The Dream

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I had a strange dream over a night’s sleep last Saturday. It was so life-like; I could almost feel the breathe from above a pair of familiar arms. The gentle caressing of a mother is hard to forget, not to mention the unconditional love that lies within.

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In the private night before my eyelids, I felt a tender touch over my belly. It was a touch by one who’s formerly in the profession of caring for antenatal mothers, a touch so pampering to an emo soul (don’t know why, but I have been gradually and unconsciously transformed from ice-cold to a little more emotional over the past few months. Tell me it’s due to hormonal change.

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Expressively so

Psychologically-speaking, I’m not surprised by what I “heard” in the dream. It's probably what I want to hear. It must have stemmed from my fear of having boys due to a medical ground (X-linked) which makes it 50% risky for the child if it’s a boy. 50% is high enough to spark a concern.

Whether girl or boy, I actually do not bother as long as the kid is good.

It’s so obvious that my mind is trying to sooth itself from fear in the expression of a dream.

Castle in the air

I do not have a reputation of being a lady-of-good-fortune, and thus I should not imagine blessings coming along my way. Further, since I have yet to come close to actual motherhood, my fingers remain crossed.

Whence art’ thou now?

Since I used to talk about instinct almost all the time, so what’s my stand on this now? What does instinct tell me?

Dishearteningly, I have none this time. Being negative is not all bad because it prepares one for the worst. And thus, I don’t believe anything coming into my favor for nothing, after all the dreadfully-shocking ones that I’ve seen come and go not too long ago.

The only instinct I have is that, I shall not gamble away the future of whoever that becomes my kid(s) any further in the future. That's where the consideration of not having more kids come into picture.

Whether it’s rain or shine, I have to be prepared for both no matter how much I wish not to come face-to-face with the rain.

Will the sun that had set down since time immemorial, ever rise and shine upon us once more?