Story in Memory of My Mom

"She's the size of a kettle when I took her home", was the description given by my late grandmother.

This is the story of my mom.  A note solely to commemorate the person whose voice was the first I heard in my life.  Also as a means to keep memories alive.  

And if any of my children come across this blog one day, then this is the story of their maternal grandmother who had looked forward to meet her grandchildren for the longest of time, but never had the chance to do so due to fate.  

The Birth

Born in the rainy and serene town of Taiping, Perak on 22nd March 1948, my mom was accordingly a skinny baby, who was given away for adoption before her first month of life, or "full moon", as what the Chinese would call it.

Hometown of Taiping

Quoting my late grandma:

Her biological dad's surname is "Liu" (劉 / 刘) of Hakka (大埔) descent while her mom had passed away long ago (at the time of narration, when I was 16 years old).  She's not the only one given out for adoption, but a few sisters as well.

During her mom's pregnancy, one of the local Malay ladies had initially made her "booking" to adopt her.  However, for unknown reasons, the lady could not be located after more than a week, and her parents were financially struggling to make ends meet.  You know, the aftermath of WW2 in the years before had ruined many people's livelihood.

The Adoption

My maternal grandpa and grandma (who legally adopted my mom) were married for a number of years in the 1940s.  However, they did not have children of their own.  Upon recommendation by my grandma's aunt, through words of acquaintances, it was how both pairs of my grandparents met.

Toddler photo

Growing up and Aspiration

Back in those days when hygiene and infant vaccination were almost non-existence, my mom was a frail child.

For instance, pertussis was described as the "100 days of cough".  She'd coughed so badly for so long, that my grandparents thought she would not make it.   My grandma would further narrate how she used to carry my mom when she was a child to the clinic, because she was frequently sick.

Although my grandpa read the Nanyang (Chinese) newspaper daily, he looked up to the western cultures, and as a result, sent my mom and my aunt (8 years younger that my mom, also adopted during infancy) to an English school.  

My grandpa's view was that, hopefully both of them would be able to secure a job in the civil service.  

My mom was not academically-inclined, but was more drawn towards sports and extra-curricular activities.  Girls' Life Brigade, 100 m and 200 m runs were her activities in school. 

During her school days, my mom had great admiration towards uniforms.  Her main childhood ambition was to become a policewoman.  

Upon finishing school and while trying to apply for jobs, she was told "bagus amoi, tapi you pakai spek... jadi tak boleh masuk polis" by one of the policemen at the station where she went (it meant - good, but since you wear glasses, you don't qualify to become a police).

My mom admitted that it was difficult looking for a job back then.  Finally, lady luck came and my mom was offered to pursue Midwifery in the government nursing school.  

Where She Worked

From Taiping to Jitra in Kedah, she had served in a few other small towns, even remote areas in Perak e.g. Gerik, Klian Intan, Batu Hampar and Beruas as a midwife, later as Jururawat Desa, and Jururawat Masyarakat (community nurse), between the 1960s to the late 1970s.  Those days when home delivery was still common in places located quite away from the hospital, where folks used to engage a public midwife to deliver their babies.

Jetty at Batu Hampar

"Guess that's why I met my Mr. Right late....", my mom would tell me.

Later on in her 30s, my mom was transferred to Klinik Kesihatan Kg. Manjoi in Ipoh.  And soon, upon meetings via mutual friends, that was how my mom met my dad for the first time.  My dad had worked for a number of years in Cameron Highlands prior to that, before he returned to Ipoh.

From Manjoi, my parents got married (my dad being 39 at that time, and my mom being 34), and had their first child the following year (me).  

Bride wedding portrait

The same year in 1983, my mom received another transfer to Kg. Sungai Terap in Batu Gajah (BG is 20 minutes away by car from Ipoh), and lastly to Kg. Baru Bemban in the same town in 1989.  My mom's workplace thus explains why I went to both St. Joseph Kindergarten and St. Bernadette's Convent in BG, instead of within Ipoh itself.

KK Kg. Manjoi, Ipoh (1983)

My mom loved her job and treated her patients like her friends.  However, despite her passion as a nurse-midwife, my mom somehow did not encourage me to pursue a path similar to hers.  

Deep side, I had a secret ambition of becoming a staff nurse. Gotcha... it's only now I am disclosing it.  

But since my mom always told me to seek something purportedly "better", by bluntly telling me "a nurse's job is about serving people all the time, sometimes you even get treated like a coolie...", I therefore did not proceed with my secret plan to apply for any nursing training. 

The Loves of Her Life

My parents have 2 children from their marriage.  A pair comprising a girl and a boy.

First child

Observing the demeanor of my parents as a child, I used to think that my parents, notably my mom, indulged my younger a little more.   I think I only got closer to my mom from my teenage onwards, a time when there were so many questions about life to ask a mom.

Post-Work Life & Numbers Don't Lie

My mom retired in 2004 at the compulsory retirement age of 56 at that time.  I figure that it would be challenging to both my parents, in the sense that their children were still young and studying, while both of them were retired.  An age where a number of their peers were either about to become grandparents, or already one.

Being an active person and in frequent contact with her peers and ex-patients, my mom had remained largely at work with small businesses, ranging from selling clothes (those days when catalogues were quite common), bed sheets, and formula milk, which included infant formula.   

During her free time at home, other than helping my dad out, she enjoyed gardening and tending to my brother's pet dogs.  

Post-retirement hobby

Despite the active lifestyle and healthy appearance, my mom was actually not 100% in the pink of health, as she used to suffer from thyroid problems in her youth, and subsequently one of the common NCDs which affect a number of elderly folks.  But everything seemed in control, as figures don't lie, do they?

The Last Mother's Day

I wish I could have given her much more, but alas, being still "young" in the career path means I could only afford humble treats for her, after years of her feeding me as a child.  

May 1st was a public holiday, I went back to Ipoh by sheer homesickness, and thought of celebrating Mother's Day in advance.  Took her to Kinta City (arguably the biggest shopping mall back then), had lunch, and went shopping for a pair of new shoes and handbag, as she had planned to use them during my wedding that very same year, voila!

"Why would you not prefer me to marry the following year instead, so that I will be more prepared?", I jokingly said to her.  

"Look, I am getting old, I am not perfectly healthy, and who knows if I would be dead by then?", she replied in a very spontaneous and chill manner.  

"But you are even more energetic than me... unlike me who's always tired at this young age", I said.  

I couldn't churn out the logic of celebrating Mother's Day so early, and also especially when I am not the sentimental type who would commemorate any special days.  But, I felt a strong urge of doing it, as if I would say good bye to her after this (being married away from my family...).

Farewell, from the Bottom of My Heart

On the day my own wee baby Alvin was born in May 2012, was the 1st year anniversary of my mom's demise.

The way Alvin came, was also coincidentally similar to the way my mom left.  ICU setting, intubation, blood transfusion, brain scan, various lines into the veins, looking so frail, etc.  God surely had very strange plans in our lives.

The sandy garden outside her final resting place in Bercham, Ipoh 

On that fateful afternoon, just a week after our last Mother's Day together, my mom fell unconscious and had her head hit near the dining area.  She was sent to the general hospital (Ipoh) by ambulance... the fastest and safest way to get there.  

The doctors at the A&E took quite some time to figure out what was wrong with my mom, and which ward to place her.  That night, a policeman came by my home (in Ipoh) with a written message, my brother took it, and apparently, the doctor was seeking a next-of-kin to consent to a blood transfusion.  We were further confused by what had transpired.  

To cut the story short, unknown to all of us, my mom had brain aneurysm.  She had lived for 7 days in the ward without being able to speak to anyone of us, before taking the last breathe due to ICB (intra cranial bleed).

It just reminds me of how fragile can a human be.  Appearing so energetic and well one day, and motionless the next day.  

My last words to my mom, if I could have turned that clock to that day?  

Thank you for being my mom and the memories of our times together.  I am not a perfect child, but I know you have done all your best in parenting and showering your love.  Farewell, from the bottom of my heart.  

#Mom 

#SekLaiKuin

#IreneSek

The Decade-Long Contact Lens Story

Love it or hate it, I've been a user for slightly more than a decade. 

Are contact lenses safe and good?  Are they user-friendly, or are they troublesome? Are they even dangerous?  Do they help to boost your esteem?  

Here is gist of my own journey with contact lenses, and my second attempt to "quit".  Perhaps not to the extent of completely quitting, but to gradually turn into a social user .

Introduction

Coming from a predominantly oriental background and where close to half of my family (including extended ones) have refractive errors, specifically nearsightedness, it may or may not be due to the genes.  

Or it could purely be due to my personal lifestyle attributed to the nature of the subject of my choice after finishing secondary school... where spending hours in front of books was mandatory, or else risk not passing all the highly examination-based subjects.  

I used to enjoy a 6/6 acuity throughout my school life.  Perhaps it was attributed to living in a small town where I used to play and cycle outdoors everyday.  How I wish I can afford to have that for my suburb kids too because being what I am now, I am concerned about the possibility of them following my path, but at an earlier age than me.

But from the final year of my tertiary course onward, my acuity gradually went from 6/6 to 6/9, then 6/24, etc.  These changes only came to a halt in my late 20s.  

Even though my diopters aren't high (anything below -3.0 D is considered mild), I do face some inconvenience.  While I am able to still go glasses-free at home when distance vision is not required, an such defect sometimes result in embarrassment.  E.g. people would be wondering how can you mistake A as Z, for instance.  

The consequence ranges from the simple the embarrassment of not noticing and saying hello to someone known to me on the street, to something more serious such as being in a close brush with mishap due to vanity i.e. not wanting to wear glasses but also too lazy in putting on any contacts.

How did it begin

Without any concealment, I admit that I did not quite fancy glasses, largely due to: 

• Little knowledge of what's in trend;
• Fear of suddenly looking drastically different from my natural self of more than 20 years; and
• Coming from parents who were users of glasses (my dad too, before his cataract surgery which gave him reasonably good eyesight now as he has IOL now).  Both of them had been particular about their children's eyesight.  Hence, it was somehow ingrained in me that having good eyesight and being glasses-free is the ideal way to go and not to be like my parents, because they would tell me to "take care of your eyes so that you won't face the inconvenience that we face". 

But thanks to the existence of contact lenses, which I consider generally user-friendly, I did not hesitate in trying them out.   

 

My personal reasons back then as a "20-something" for using them:

• Peer influence.  Coming from an era and place where more than half of my peers are users of contact lenses, it thus naturally came to me to use them when I think is necessary (powers aren't high, so I could choose whether to wear anything or nothing on my eyes);
• Due to less variety available in the past, glasses didn't seem like the coolest thing on Earth back in those days; and
• Feeling good about (most) folks not knowing the secret of my imperfect eyesight.  But when thinking of it today, what is there to be secretive about?  Let's attribute that as my own silly thoughts.  
• Ease of use and access.  

Despite the above, I did not wear my contacts day-and-night, but preferred wearing them only when I was out for work or social reasons.  I do not wear contacts at home, and glasses was only reserved for when activities requiring long distance are required.

What I liked about contacts

I liked them for convenience, good feelings, and they definitely helped bring in pleasant vibes of being free from glasses.

Contacts are generally comfortable if you are using the ones that are suitable for you, and take care of them strictly as per the published instructions. 

Although it is tempting to continue using the same pair for longer than the advised period, please refrain from doing it, because besides the risk of infection, it may also increase the risk of getting GPC in the long run.  "Giant papillary conjuctivitis", eww no please....  

From my personal experience, the most comfortable and user-friendly brand is the bi-weekly Acuvue Oasys.  

What I disliked about them

Requiring more time to get ready, as I would need at least an extra of 5 minutes.

Possibly due to bodily changes as years go by, or me being less meticulous nowadays as I get busier, I'd end up with slightly uncomfortable eyes after work if I'd stay for extra 2 hours, even when I was using Oasys which is supposed to have higher air permeability.  I do not sleep in them.

However, when I wore my contacts during non-working days, I would not face the same problem - no red eyes and no dry eyes.

By the way, contact lenses are not perfect.  They can be a nuisance, or even hazardous, when it rains and there is neither any shelter nor umbrella around.  I have had an unfavorable experience before being outdoor when it suddenly rained and water got into my eyes.

Yay or Nay

If I insist that I must only wear my contacts when I am out including to work, the prudent thing to do is to first consult an independent specialist for a thorough examination.  

There is a long list of contact lens-induced conditions, which many of us are actually unaware of because they do not present any symptom during the early stages.    

This is not surprising as in Malaysia, contact lenses can be easily bought without mandatory professional assessment.  

So far, there had only been one place I've been where the optometrist did a thorough examination before prescribing new contact lenses, and not just checking on acuity alone.  The optometrist's shop is still in business today, located at Ipoh Parade (my former hometown).  

Before any greater discomfort shows up, I thus decide that it will be better to take it easy on the usage of contact lenses.   

Further, as the nature of my job does not require one to be glasses-free, so why the hassle, one may ask.

Having said the above, I am not implying that all contact lens users use them for the same reason as I do (no, and never!).  Personally, I do not have strong justifications to insist on their usage, other than being a solely personal choice.  

Redness and dryness had been a cue to me, so rather than to risk suddenly losing the ability to use contact lenses altogether one day, it will be better to quit or at least to cut down its usage by more than half.

Some of my friends had personally undergone LASIK, and those who'd had positive experience have shared their suggestions to consider one. However, up to-date, I have not decided to give LASIK or its alternative a try. 

• Many centers offer attractive, interest-free easy payment schemes that when you compare with the costs of buying contact lenses, solutions, or even replacing your glasses once in every 2 to 3 years, LASIK may be slightly cheaper than the latter.  
• But as with any surgery, there is always a risk even though by just 0.001%.  Thus, the main factor to consider before deciding whether to do it or not, is the risk vs. benefit. 
• So far, there has not been an indication of the benefits outweighing the risks in my case.  While I don't see really well when I'm outdoors, I'm otherwise able to go around within the four corners of mine without glasses.  E.g. I'm able to tell the time from the wall clock at my wee living room although the numbers may not appear very clear.   
• Ultimately, it boils down to each individual's unique needs and preferences.  There is no right or wrong on what is the best option.  Hence, just decide according to your lifestyle needs, and to respect the subjective decision of each person.

But no matter how much I loved contacts, I suspect they may be the culprit behind my somewhat poor ocular immune system.  How?

Red, red wine

A long-lasting conjunctivitis back in 2016 was probably attributed to the use of contact lenses.  I have written about the ordeal before, here.

My family who contracted the conjunctivitis recovered within 3 to 5 days, but I took 14 days to appear presentable without noticeable redness.  And it wasn't even full recovery as people who came close to me noticed that my eyes looked a bit red.

After that incident, I managed to quit the use of contact lenses when going out for about two (2) weeks, before thinking "what am I to do with the remaining contacts?" and succumbing to using them again after that.

Resolution 2020

Having attempted to quit or drastically reduce the use of contact lenses for a few times without real motivation, I am gradually coming to terms that I should consider the long term.  

"Be moderate in everything you do".  

How to quit contacts when you have 2 boxes of them with you?  

This is so akin to wanting to quit smoking, but at the same time you still keep a new packet of cigarettes with you. 

This is as I'd bought 2 boxes of Oasys a few months ago, in name of utilising my yearly humble amount of fringe benefit as self-treat after a year of so-called hard work.  

For now, I neither plan to be a daily user, nor go cold turkey.  

With what I have now, especially when the 2 tampered boxes with me are non-daily lenses with expiry dates, I'd better use them up, but only sparingly.  

The longest I have recorded in recent times without touching my contacts at all was 7 weeks.  Although I didn't feel anything amiss when I don't wear glasses at home, I felt odd looking at the mirror when I was out on the occasional few days when I wore my contacts recently.  

It's apparently the other way round now.  What the heck, isn't that what I've done for the past decade, and why would I feel strange gazing at my 'glasses-free' appearance on the mirror when I'm out now?

In the meantime, I feel like continuing to buy contacts sometimes, because I would still love a second option, if possible.  Arghh... call it addition.  

But it's been half a year since I switched habit, and 6 months should be sufficient to embrace what seemed unimaginable in the past.  The motivating factor should be what's good or otherwise in the long run.