Yet Another Story on the First Trimester

In light of what took place recently, but not yet looking into what’s in the long run for now is still too early to tell the fate of the younger sibling of Alvin… here’s sharing my latest experience. 

What I would like to stress is that, every pregnancy is different.  

A rollercoaster

Not sure whether because it’s unexpected at this moment or because it’s indeed worse off, I feel a lot more exhausted this time, physically and mentally.

Soon approaching the 8^th week, I am amazed by how “quickly” time flies, yet I can’t wait for the first trimester to be over, if the second can be any better.

I am still in some sort of disbelief that this sibling of Alvin isn’t very much younger than him.  Well, although I used to talk about sticking to just one kid, I also used to think that hypothetically, if I were to change my mind, I would wait for another 4 years to do so.

Looking from a positive side

But however much we humans plan, God ultimately decides it.  

Despite the absence of readiness in me, perhaps this isn’t too bad.  Maybe God intends Alvin to have a sibling so that Alvin will have a companion around his age in the house.  After all, Alvin’s cousins are much older than him – those from his dad’s side at least 5 years older and those on my side, the age gap is as wide as 30 over years (Alvin’s cousins from mom’s side are adults).  

Appetite Gone Cyclonic

My appetite is generally fine during the morning on most days, but gradually worsens as the night folds in.  Hungry but without appetite.  An apple or a pear usually makes a dinner.

AVM and Subconscious Memory

AVM stands for “anti-vomiting mission”.  

Here’s a background on how my phobia for vomiting developed, concluded from what was told to me. 

When I was around 2, my mother used to experience morning sickness when she’s pregnant with my brother.  According to my dad, I would always go to my mother whenever she puked during the first trimester, and would pat her back to comfort her.  What a touching gesture of a young toddler!  

I was then still too young to understand or consciously remember anything.  And thus, I was stunt when my dad told me about my touching gesture.  But I have a theory that my subconscious memory of frequently witnessing someone puke ends up with a profound effect on me until today.  

Today, I not only fear vomiting, but also have intense fear in seeing others vomit.  My immediate reaction upon seeing anyone puke is to flee and hide myself, even if it’s just a kid puking into the drain.  

 Mandarin peel

In order to minimize the chance of vomiting, I’d resort to all possible means.  I looked for tips on countering morning sickness, if at all they work.  I consume vitamin B6 in attempt to reduce the sensation of nausea, which seemed to work very well previously but I don’t think I feel the same this time.  Mandarin peel becomes my best companion wherever I go.  

 The typical liquid meal for now...

Between starving as a result of eating very lightly or risk puking by consuming a full meal against my instinct, I would rather starve.  At most, liquid diet i.e. Enercal and cream crackers will be on stand-by for when I really need something in my tummy but otherwise don’t feel like eating.  At least these are more easily tolerated compared to “nasi+lauk”… and also more easily puked (just in case if I do) compared to puking solid.  

Bitter toothpaste and blandness 
The almost eternal bitterness lies on my tongue.  Almost everything tastes either bland or bitter to me.  

 Kiddy toothpaste to take the bitterness away

Anything mint-flavoured tastes bitter, and therefore I switched to orange-flavoured Kodomo Lion toothpaste for kids.   But I still got to be a bit careful with Kodomo Lion, because although sans bitterness, it tastes quite yucky, similar to the bubble gum-tasting alginate that’s used in taking dental impression.

Apart from toothpaste, among the things that taste or even “smell bitter” to me are: vegetable puree, water from the dispenser at the pantry of my workplace, floral-scented shampoos, and medicated powder.  And most food taste quite bland to me lately, including curry.  

No This, No That

No fish, no fresh milk.  No yogurt, no red meat.  No rice, no pasta.  Even the “aroma” of rice cooking in the pot smells a little sickening.  How to survive without the essentials, diet-wise?  Say “no” to these, all because of the phobia stated above.  

Medication and supplementation-wise, I am currently taking Duphaston and folic acid.  Depending on how things “progress”, there seems to be a possibility of having to take Fe as well because I am tired and would become a little breathless if I walk too much, as if anemic… although my lips look less pale now compared to last week. See what the doctor says later.  

My KPI for this time

I am not aiming for a prodigy, but only an ordinary baby.  I don’t see how I can be pregnant for 40 weeks... right now I am just unable to foresee having the strength like others to do so.  It will be a miracle indeed if “it” can stay inside for at least 37 weeks.  Or at least to possess a birth weight of 2.4 kg.  Even if “it” were to come prematurely, 36 weeks is my minimum target.  

Despite being a second timer, I have never experienced typical labour like what most people did because with Alvin, it was an unusual one – no contraction pain, and a baby who only came out with one push due to unusually small size.  So, I am now as nervous as any first timer and cannot imagine carrying a full-term baby although I shall be much thankful if God lets me carry this one to full-term without having to go on bed rest or other difficulties.  

I don’t wish for anything more, but only pray for everything to sail safely and healthily. Let's pray that this is one is a blessing despite being an unexpected one and thus the little mental readiness to go through "sickness" for the moment.

Lastly, fingers-crossed... I am doing all I can now to sustain this one by giving "it" a chance like what I did with its brother, but anything beyond that will be beyond my control.  A phrase that remains unchanged from previously.  

I want, yet I don't dare to wish

Indeed it is!

My original plan is to keep "it" a secret until such a time when it's "safe" to let others know.  Although "it" actually came without my expectation, I nevertheless cherish this "gift" and intend to care for "it" just like what I did for Alvin.  Yes, if I were to deliver on the EDD itself, it should be 26th April 2014.  I'm sharing it now because I don't think it will be the case anyway.

Guess what...  The joy is perhaps just going to be short-lived.  I am back to having the same old problem that used to haunt me during my first.  And this time around, although I am not as frightened as last time, I am more negative about the outcome, namely because on top of spotting which shouldn't occur at this time, I have also experienced a few series of minor cramps.

Now that I still have not formed attachments with the one inside, now that a new human is still not completely formed, I am more prepared to face possible termination of pregnancy than when I have already felt fetal movements for instance.

In most cases of miscarriage, the fetus goes "down" due to serious congenital problems that makes it not compatible for life outside the womb. But in my case previously, it was all my own problem.

Why am I so glaringly negative this time compared to previously?

Well, just because it was my plan to have just one child, it doesn't mean that I am now praying for the worse. Instead, I treat the situation this way - once conceived, no matter how or when, whether expected or unexpectedly, I will do my best to keep the "baby" for as long as possible until ready for birth...  it's something which I almost failed to do with my first, but thanks to the great job of doctors and nurses, as well as God's miracle, Alvin made it to what he is today.

This time around, apart from family living nearby, I did not tell anyone else because I knew that I'll possibly not make it for the second time.  It looks like even if I were to go through pregnancy for 10 times, I will face the same problem for all 10 times.

I don't think my problem is congenital or genetic just because I am a former premature baby who happens to give birth prematurely once.  Or else, my mom would have experienced what I am facing now... or else my brother would have been born prematurely too but then he's not.  

Just because Alvin appears not bothered by issues related to prematurity (what it seems so far, but I am not really sure yet), it doesn't necessarily mean likewise should I deliver prematurely again this time.  In this case, I can't see how I can carry a pregnancy for 9 months in view of what's bothering me now.  I don't want to end up becoming a seasonal figure in the NICU, I don't want my child to suffer from prematurity-related problems, and I also don't want to go through heartache!

"Dear sibling of Alvin... Although you came unexpectedly, my heart was filled with gratitude when I first learnt of your presence.  Indeed, I can only plan as a human... but God ultimately decides it for us.  It must be exciting for both you and your elder brother to be able to play together.  But please forgive me should my body chooses to fail us, for if my body chooses not to sustain the pregnancy this time although my mind kept telling that I want to carry you to full-term until you're out to the world with a loud cry!".